Papa Joe ~ Telling Tales

Four Silly Tales
adapted from English Folktales
by PAPA JOE
dedicated to the storytellers who share them

Table of Contents:
The Old Woman and the Pig
Teeny Tiny
Master of Masters
Me

Publisher's Note:
These Tales are meant to be read aloud or told. Silent reading may cause confusion, irritation, and boredom.

The Old Woman and the Pig

Once upon a time, there lived a little old woman. She was sweeping her house one day, when she found a crooked sixpence. That's an old kind of money.

She said, "This sixpence will buy me a piggy!" Off she went to the market to buy herself a pig.

Well, she bought the pig. She was headed home, when she came to a style. Know what a style is? It's a kind of a ladder - goes over a fence - so you don't have to walk around to the gate.

She said, "Piggy, PIGGY! Climb over the style so I can get home for my supper tonight."

But the pig said, "Oink, Oink, No!"

The old woman scratched her head and said, "I know what to do."

She walked down the road 'til she came to a dog.

She said, "Doggie, DOGGIE! Bite that pig. The pig won't climb over the style and I won't get home for my supper tonight."

But the dog said, "Ruff, Ruff, No!"

The old woman scratched her head and said, "I know what to do."

She walked down the road 'til she came to a stick.

She said, "Stick, STICK! Spank that dog. The dog won't bite the pig. The pig won't climb over the style and I won't get home for my supper tonight."

But the stick said, "Click, Click, No!"

The old woman scratched her head and said, "I know what to do."

She walked down the road 'til she came to a fire.

She said, "Fire, FIRE! Burn that stick. The stick won't spank the dog. The dog won't bite the pig. The pig won't climb over the style and I won't get home for my supper tonight."

But the fire said, "Hhaaa, Hhaaa, No!"

The old woman scratched her head and said, "I know what to do."

She walked down the road 'til she came to a puddle of water.

She said, "Water, WATER! Put out that fire. The fire won't burn the stick. The stick won't spank the dog. The dog won't bite the pig. The pig won't climb over the style and I won't get home for my supper tonight."

But the water said, "Glug, Glug, No!"

The old woman scratched her head and said, "I know what to do."

She walked down the road 'til she came to a cow.

She said, "Cow, COW! Drink that water. The water won't put out the fire. The fire won't burn the stick. The stick won't spank the dog. The dog won't bite the pig. The pig won't climb over the style and I won't get home for my supper tonight."

The cow said, "Mmmmaybe. Bring me some hay."

The old woman scratched her head and said, "I know what to do."

She walked down the road 'til she came to a haystack.

She didn't even ask - took some hay - gave it to the cow. When the cow was finished, it was thristy and went to drink the water.

The water didn't like that so it went to put out the fire.

The fire didn't like that so it went to burn the stick.

The stick didn't like that so it went to spank the dog.

The dog didn't like that so it went to bite the pig.

The pig hated that so it climbed over the style...

and the old woman got home for her supper that night.

That's the story of The Old Woman and the Pig. I hope you enjoyed it.

Teeny Tiny

A teeny tiny time ago, there lived a teeny tiny woman, in a teeny tiny house, on a teeny tiny hill.

One teeny tiny day, the teeny tiny woman took a teeny tiny walk down the teeny tiny hill, down the teeny tiny road, till she came to a teeny tiny wall.

In the teeny tiny wall, there was a teeny tiny gate. Through the teeny tiny gate, the teeny tiny woman went a teeny tiny way. Found herself in a teeny tiny graveyard.

Are you scared? After all, this is a SCARY story.

In the teeny tiny graveyard, he teeny tiny woman found a teeny tiny gravestone. At the teeny tiny foot of the teeny tiny grave stone, the teeny tiny woman found a teeny tiny bone.

Picked it up in her teeny tiny bone hand and in her teeny tiny voice the teeny tiny woman said, "This teeny tiny bone will make teeny tiny me, a teeny tiny soup for my teeny tiny supper."

Do you like bone soup?

The teeny tiny woman put the teeny tiny bone in her teeny tiny pocket. Took a teeny tiny turn around, went a teeny tiny way, through the teeny tiny graveyard, through the teeny tiny gate, up the teeny tiny road, up the teeny tiny hill, to the teeny tiny house.

In the teeny tiny door, up the teeny tiny stairs, to her teeny tiny bedroom. The teeny tiny woman took the teeny tiny bone from her teeny tiny pocket, put it in her teeny tiny cupboard, climbed in her teeny tiny bed and took a teeny tiny nap. Zzzzzzzz

But a teeny tiny while later, the teeny tiny woman heard a teeny tiny Voice in the teeny tiny cupboard and it said, "Give me my bone."

Are you scared? After all, this is a SCARY story.

The teeny tiny woman was a teeny tiny bit afraid, so she pulled her teeny tiny covers a teeny tiny bit tight to her teeny tiny nose and went back to her teeny tiny nap. Zzzzzzzz

But a teeny tiny while later, the teeny tiny woman heard the same teeny tiny voice coming from the teeny tiny cupboard, only this time it was a teeny tiny bit louder and it said, "Give Me My Bone."

Are you scared? After all, this is a SCARY story.

The teeny tiny woman was a teeny tiny bit more afraid, so she pulled her teeny tiny covers a teeny tiny bit tighter, right around her teeny tiny head and went back to her teeny tiny nap. Zzzzzzzz

But a teeny tiny while later, the teeny tiny woman heard the same teeny tiny voice coming from the teeny tiny cupboard only this time it was a teeny tiny bit (a lot) louder and it said, "GIVE ME MY BONE!"

Are you scared? After all, this is a SCARY story.

The teeny tiny woman was a teeny tiny bit more afraid, but she pulled the teeny tiny covers from her teeny tiny head, sat up in her teeny tiny bed, and said, "JUST TAKE IT!"

The teeny tiny woman never heard the teeny tiny voice in her teeny tiny cupboard again, but she also never got her teeny tiny bone for her teeny tiny soup, for her teeny tiny supper.

And now here's a teeny tiny:
The End.

Master of Masters

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a young woman who wanted a job. Now in those days, in that place, if you wanted a job you went to the fair, sat in the job tent, and waited.

So she went to the fair, sat in the tent, and she waited, and she waited, and she waited. But did she get a job? No, she did not. So she had to go home.

The next day, she went to the fair, sat in the tent, and she waited, and she waited, and she waited. But did she get a job? No, she did not. So she had to go home.

The next day, she went to the fair, sat in the tent, and she waited, and she waited, and she waited. But did she get a job? Yes, she did! If she didn't, there wouldn't be a story.

A strange man came up to her and said, "Do you have a good memory?"

She said, "Yes."

He said, "Then come with me."

He took her to his house. Wanted a live-in maid. He said, "I have my own name for things. If you want to work for me, you have to remember them. For example, What would you call me?"

She said, "Master, sir. Or Mister, sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call me: Master of Masters."

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

Then he pointed to his pants, "These things I wear, these things I wear, what would you call these things I wear?" 

She said, "Pants, sir. Or trousers, Sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call them: Squibs and Crackers."

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

Then he pointed into his bedroom at the thing he slept on, "That thing in there, that thing in there, what would you call that thing in there?"

She said, "A bed, sir. Or a bunk, sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call it: a Barnacle."

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

Then he pointed over at the fireplace, at the small furry creature purring, "That thing over there, that thing over there, what would you call that thing over there?"

She said, "A cat, sir. Or a kitten, sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call it: White Face Simmony."

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

Then he pointed into the fireplace, at the flickering red, yellow, blue... "That stuff in there, that stuff in there, what would you call that stuff in there?"

She said, "Fire, sir. Or flame, sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call it: Hot Cockalorium"

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

Then he went over to the sink, filled a glass. "This stuff in here, this stuff in here, what would you call this stuff in here?"

She said, "Water, sir. Or wet, sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call it: Pondalorium."

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

Then he said, "This place we're in, this place we're in, what would you call this place we're in?"

She said, "A house, sir. Or home, sir. What ever you please, sir."

He said, "You will call it: High Topper Mountain."

She said, "Yes, sir. If you wish, sir. Anything you please, sir."

And so they each went to their own bed and went to sleep.

But in the middle of the night, the woman came running and shook her master awake.

"Master of Masters, get out of your Barnacle, put on your Squibs and Crackers, White Face Simmony has a spark of Hot Cockalorium on her tail and if you don't get some Pondalorium, all of High Topper Mountain will be on Hot Cockalorium."

So Master of Masters, got out of his Barnacle, put on his Squibs and Crackers. He got a bucket of Pondalorium, dumped it on White Face Simmony, put out the Hot Cockalorium, and saved High Topper Mountain.

Me

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, far far away, there lived a boy named Nic. Nic lived with his grandfather in a quiet cottage. But Nic never did what he was told.

When his grandfather called him in to eat, he'd say, "No Way!" When his grandfather asked him to do his chores, he'd say, "No Way!". And at eight o'clock, when his grandfather told him it was time for bed, he'd say, "No Way!"

One night when Nic wouldn't go to bed, his grandfather said, "Little boys who don't go to bed when they are told get into trouble. I heard there was a scary monster in the neighborhood tonight. The safest place for you to be - is in your bed - with your pillow wrapped around your head."

Nic just laughed and said, "No way! If a scary monster comes around here, I'll give it so much trouble it'll go crying home to its grandfather."

The little boy's grandfather sighed and went to bed. Wrapped his pillow around his head. But Nic stayed up and played.

He played past nine o'clock. He played past ten o'clock. He played past eleven o'clock. He was still playing at twelve o'clock.

Just as the clock struck midnight, Nic said, "This is getting Boring! I wished I had a playmate."

No sooner did he make that wish,
Bang Bam POP!
A little elf dropped through the chimney.

She said, “I'm Flowery Evening. I heard your wish and I came to play with you. What's your name?”

Now the little boy was a bit surprised to be talking to a fairy. So instead of saying his name, he said, “Me?”

Flowery Evening thought that 'Me' was his name and the little boy was too embarrassed to say otherwise. So that was that.

Flowery Evening taught the little boy all kinds of games. They played Hide and Go Seek and Paddle in the Water.

17
Then the little boy got too rough and knocked over a chair. It landed on Flowery Evening's foot. She started to scream.

That was the end of that. Terrified, the little boy ran to bed and pulled his covers over his head. Flowery Evening kept on screaming until a loud voice called down the chimney.

It was the scary monster. “FLOWERY EVENING, ARE YOU HURT?”

Flowery Evening answered, “Yes!”

“WHO HURT YOU?”

Flowery Evening said, “Me!”

“WELL, IF YOU HURT YOURSELF, THEN STOP CRYING AND GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE.”


18
The little boy never slept that night because he was so afraid the scary monster would find out who really hurt Flowery Evening and come back to get him.

The next day, the little boy's Grandfather was very surprised to find him doing his chores. For meals, he was at the table as soon as he was called. And when bedtime came, the little boy didn't wait to be told. And if he hasn't changed, the little boy is still on his best behavior.

The End

Papa Joe ~ Telling Tales